Dancing With Older Boys

In order to live in your truth, you have to face what you’ve been running from for so long…

There’s no way to sugarcoat the topic of child molestation.

There’s no way to make new what’s been tainted.

There’s no way to erase the memory of lying on a hospital bed, your body being checked and tested, and you having to answer “did he touch you here” time after time.

There’s no way to erase the constant fear of it happening again in the presence of another male.

There’s no way to erase the heightened nervousness, abundance of trust issues, and sure as heck no way to replenish your mother’s peace of mind when you’re away.

There’s no way to regain your innocence…

It’s unsettling to know that 1 in 4 black girls will have been sexually assaulted before reaching 18.

It’s unsettling to relive that moment in time where I, a little girl, became the truth in that statistic.

For years I wanted to believe it didn’t really happen. That he, a family friend, didn’t ask to “show me a dance that only the big kids do” and that it didn’t really involve me and him naked in the act of sex. I often made excuses that he was a teenager so it wasn’t that bad that it happened…

But–since it’s constantly haunted me– I have no choice but to finally speak on it. Over 15 years later, and I am just now coming to coping terms with being molested. Admitting this is scary because I fear it shows weakness. Even though this wasn’t my fault, I still have a ton of embarrassment, when I know I shouldn’t.

Now that I am here, sharing this with the world, I can only hope it will act as a relative notion for anyone who has experienced this, and is looking to heal. Your story is your own, and your healing is your own. Any feeling that we have in healing is valid, and we owe it to ourselves to feel it.

I can’t say that I will ever feel “over it” but my goal is to stop letting this have so much space in my brain. Something I wish I’d done earlier, though, is talked about it.

I was too afraid.

I thought my friends would do one of two things: look down on me or stop talking to me altogether. I thought that I would be ostracized if I ever let anyone know what I went through, and the emotional turmoil it was causing.

Hiding was only making things worse.

Hiding wasn’t allowing me to objectively heal.

Note: We aren’t responsible for the actions of others or their wrongdoings towards us. We, as victims, deserve the support of loved ones.

So, I share with you my healing mantra: