I try not to be one of those aggressive vegans. You know, the super judgmental, overbearing, Peta-subscribed kind that literally only speaks vegan. And I know at one point I probably was that damn pretentious, so please, charge it to my head not my heart. Now, I try to be cautious and only mention being vegan when asked, I swear!!!
(Enjoy this cutesy boomerang from us at Jeni’s this memorial weekend)
Now that the smooch is out the bag, many have asked what it was like shooting my first commercial…
Back in November I walked into my casting ready to give a few pecks to some man unknown. A little nervous to be kissing a stranger without liquid courage, (judge yourself, not me) I surveyed the room filled with beautiful people–both men and women.
So here I am sitting in a chair while on Pinterest looking up recipes — this is my thing I do in public to calm my nerves– and in walks this tall, milk chocolate specimen whose lips looked freshly exfoliated, and my insides are all like:
“Oh, there’s your boo!” a spunky, feminine voice to my right blurts. And yet I asked, “who–me?” with my hand to my chest, my temperature began to rise. He and I made eye contact and I smirked. Oh no, butterflies fluttered inside my belly. I’m like, holy crap I have to get myself together quickly! My eyes fall back to my screen, reviewing ingredients needed to make some “30 minute vegan meal” that I’m certain I mastered like 3 years ago. Continue reading I Usually Don’t Kiss and Tell…
How am I transitioning into 2018?
Pretty darn well I’d say! As I sat in the house on Sunday, December 31, 2017 contemplating whether I’d switch up my New Year’s Eve ritual and go out for a night on the town, or do what I know best and stay in, I soon was in a back-and-forth rebuttal with my aunt for some nightly festivities. Here’s the thing, I don’t do long lines and cold weather well. So while she was trying to sway me her way, I could only think about my freezing limbs and said NOPE!
Funny enough, the two of us played this extended game of “lets go out/lets stay in” for nearly two hours (even switched roles for a bit, lol!)
So what did we do? I finally joined #teamporscha and agreed to get cute for a night out. The thing is, after we’d found plans, got dressed, and were ready to go–we both had changed our minds back to my original idea. So like I’ve done for the past decade (or literally all my life) I brought in the new year indoors with a loved one. I’m not much of a party-goer (anymore) so staying in for holiday’s doesn’t really bother me.
While inside relaxing, I started to manifest my immediate goals for the new year. Asking myself what I wanted out of 2018. All of my goals are intended to make me a better me, as goals should do.
Yes, I have physical goals I set (like last year’s pushup goal I didn’t meet…but I’ll get to it in 2018) and emotional goals, and career goals. All of which I intend to fulfill to live my B E S T L I F E.
This year I’m working on forgiving myself. I’ve talked about forgiveness for those who’ve hurt me many a time and how I’d moved past the pain. What I didn’t realize was that I didn’t forgive myself for the circumstances I had put myself in.
At my last coffee date with my girls, we were catching up on life: grad school, therapy, new living situations, relationships, general ups and downs. Through her story, my sister-friend was discussing her journey with forgiving herself and my brain was like holy hell! I started replaying every “regret” or triggering situation I had been in and asked myself why it was still something that could set me off. It was because I hadn’t forgiven myself.
Without even realizing it, I had still been living in the past,emotionally, and telling myself that mentally I was over it and was fine. And it was convincing for the most part, because I had told myself if I don’t think about it, I won’t get angry about it. But the honest truth is that real healing and forgiveness will allow me to think about a situation that I’d allegedly grown past, and not let it affect me. And that wasn’t happening.
So much so that the thought of certain memories literally caused a physical disruption. As cliche as it sounds, I’m leaving attachments and regrets in 2017. I’m leaving the fallacy that I own the rights to others: meaning that I’m working on understanding the only persona I control is self.
I’ve shared that my favorite tattoo is probably my ‘agape’ one that’s on my finger. With that in mind, I’ve transitioned into 2018 revisiting my sole reason for getting that specific tattoo in the first place. I yearn to love unconditionally, and with the right tribe around me I’ve been able to learn so much about unconditional love. I’m happy that I have friends who unashamedly share themselves with me, the good, the bad, the stank, the ugly.
They’ve helped me know love–romantic and platonic– through themselves.
A few other things I’m working on in 2018:
Obviously these aren’t all my goals of the year, but some I thought you’d be interested in! What are you working on this year?
Human relations are key. Whether you have the ability to effectively communicate–verbally or nonverbally– determines how well you connect with others.
As a healing empath, I read into what’s unsaid more, than what people actually say.
Because of this, I’m always finding a way to help solve a problem as if it’s my own. Whether it’s professional or personal, I want to help solve it. In fact, I prioritize other people’s problems more than my own. Inherently, I see myself as a pool of unlimited resources for those closest to me. And strangers.
Some days, being an empath is happily walking into Starbucks and suddenly becoming aloof. It’s tensing of the body–shoulders, jaw, and back– at any given moment and overwhelming anxiousness. It’s daydreaming for a long time to escape the realities I’ve emotionally made my own. It’s wanting to be outside–connecting to nature to cleanse and renew myself. It’s giving, and giving, and giving some more.
Even when I don’t got it–time, money, energy– I give it. You’re unhappy, I find a way to make you smile. You’re in need of a job, I find a way to help you search for one. You need mental clarity, or peace, I give my time and energy to help heal you. And even though this sounds like I’m just being a good friend or person providing sympathy, it’s more than that. If I’ve shared space with you, I feel you. This role of a healer that I play comes at a cost. Overtime, it’s cost me time, money, energy and peace. I’ve always wanted to heal the world.
I’ve always been one to read in between the lines and recognize what’s unsaid. Generally speaking I can pick up on what’s going on in a room before most. As an empath, I’m forever putting myself in other people’s shoes and walking their walk with them. What a gift and a curse.
The realization:
Working in a combination of early childhood education and retail, I obviously surrounded myself with many, many people, emotions, thoughts, and energies. Day in and day out, I became increasingly tired and moody by the day’s end. When the work day was over, I literally had no energy to give. Not to my family, roommate, or guys I was dating. This wasn’t a normal kind of tired either. I had aches and pains in my body, my spirit felt bothered, and I had no understandable explanation for it.
I was just t-i-r-e-d.
And feelings like these weren’t new. Like I said, I’ve always been the “moody” one to my friends and family, but it was chalked up as girly adolescent behaviors or just being a moody artist. I started turning down invites and had made it a habit to stay in bed for as long as I could. Post college, I’d been working through anxiety and depression awhile acknowledging triggers. So I thought that some feelings that I was experiencing were due to natural, fluctuating depressive states and my known triggers.
And then something happened. I had a memory of when I was in elementary school and remembered what I struggled with most : putting others before me.
The past:
In my youth, caring for other’s was instilled in me by my family, and I took this morale very seriously. We all are very giving individuals. I remember during all those canned food drives at school I’d donate every. last. item in our cabinets. #NoLie.
Literally, every last one. And depending on who you talk to about it, I may have went overboard or was just giving without context of what I was doing. But I wholeheartedly knew what I was doing. I knew that I had the means to replenish what was lost And I never thought twice about it. Even though this was me giving something tangible, I knew that I was receiving something that was invaluable–learning the ability to be selfless and understanding community.
Growing up, many of my elementary progress reports commended me for always putting others first. The teachers would write something to the notion of:
“Alexis is a great student to have. She’s outgoing, kind, and doesn’t hesitate to help her classmates with their work.”
Great trait to have, right? They’d continue:
“Alexis struggles to complete her own assignments on time.”
And now I know what you’re thinking, what the hell?! What sense does it make to help others succeed, first, before you do? And I really wish I could tell you. I really do. All I know is that my teachers and mother couldn’t understand. They knew that I was more than capable of completing my own work because I was helping others with their work on a daily basis. I just wasn’t taking care of myself.
This was causing me to get into trouble. Academically and socially with my mother. That’s until I learned to stop. Eventually I eased out of always helping classmates with their work because I got tired of not enjoying my outside time. So I decided to “be more responsible” as they asked of me, and did my work FIRST so I could be successful.
In hindsight, I was developing tendencies that I later learned were qualifiers for being an empath. Fast forward to present day, when my family communes, I usually am the first to separate themselves from the bulk of the group. Literally happened over thanksgiving break. I used to feel bad for stepping away without explanation, but now that I’m addressing my empath behaviors, I know that I deserve to step away and re-up on my energy.
Moving forward:
So here are my facts of life as an empath:
Fact 1: I have to learn that I can’t help others more than I help myself. When I realized there was a burden of always being there for someone, always clocking in emotionally and physically, I knew something had to give.
Fact 2: We are who we are. People who have an innate ability to connect, feel, and discern their surroundings without regards. We tend to love hard–being spiritually engaged in others. We feel the vibes–good and bad.
Fact 3: Self care is highly important.
Fact 4: (see step 3)
Fact 5: I’m not alone.
Knowing all of this, and moving into a new phase of self-realization, I’m working on letting go. It’s hard to let go of the feeling that I have to help or heal. Being a helper and healer is literally ingrained in who I am. It’s one of my great traits. But I’m realizing that I’m wearing on my soul more than it can handle. I know I won’t stop being an empath, but I can use my knowledge about life, my empathetic experiences, and the tolls they take on me to remind me to “let go” for the moment.
I recently talked about my new found love for hiking. I know, it’s just extended walking–usually at an incline– however, its a great workout and brings peace of mind. I’ve always loved nature and outdoors. I collected rocks for crying out loud! In fact, growing up, I’d always rush outside every chance I got. I made it an effort to finish my homework in class so that I wouldn’t have to do it when I got home.
As I make my way to reconnecting with the earth and outdoors, I’m increasing my time spent in nature. While #adulting I find myself forgetting to just breathe in the air outside and to relax in the grass. If I’m being honest, a rotating schedule of being busy with work, exercising, and dreams is cool… but many times I feel more successful on a day where I’ve done the least.
Like, had coffee and walked barefoot in the grass (aka #earthing). That’s all, that’s it!
Embarrassingly enough, many times I have to plan my R&R time because I think that I always have to be “busy”. So if I can visually see in my planner that I’ve told myself to chill, I chill. That’s why I enjoy traveling. Weekend trips are nice getaways from everyday life. Each year I plan at least three trips, one to a new city for personal exploration and the others to visit family/friends.
As you know, my birthday was earlier this month. And, I’m technically a little late celebrating. Wait, who am I kidding? I celebrate all month long, but my only wish was to go to Denver and hike a mountain.
And so I did.
I loooveeeeeee free things! Free coffee, free meals, free concert tickets–you name it! So when Jasmine Diane announced one last giveaway to Brunchin’ with Jas I instantly became geeked.
So, why did I desire to attend the fall Brunchin with Jas? Isn’t it obvious? I saw this brunch as an opportunity to network with like-minded individuals. I had spent a little time reading testimonies of past attendees and seeing photos of the brunches online which is why I told myself I had to experience it firsthand.
I thought that actually being there would help me connect with new people. To be quite honest, networking is a challenge sometimes because breaking the ice is kinda awkward for me. Still, I knew attending Brunchin’ with Jas would provide a sense of security that myself and others can benefit from.
And, I was right. The fall brunch was nothing shy of enjoyable. Collectively the attendees and panelists were friendly, adorably stylish, and super encouraging. I literally was welcomed with many smiles upon entering the room.
Mantra:
I’m here.
I’m safe.
I’m calm.
I will listen.
In the age of countless self-help posts, books, and YouTube channels it’s unlikely that you would be without said “help”. Whether you’re searching for ways to eat better, workout consistently, or just accept yourself for who you are–the content is there. After countless hours of researching pro tips you realize you have the power to relinquish all fear and discomfort.
When you think about it. Insecurities are stupid. Yea, I said it. They are stupid. But they exist. They’re these useless, mental inhabitants that only work to weaken your self-image. In my experience, insecurities can make or break you.
I’ve always been insecure about my appearance. More specifically weight/body image. I was always the chubbier friend. Growing up I had an obsession with wanting to lose weight to be skinny. I remember being a kid and my peers were always talking about wearing LimitedToo and I would sit very awkwardly and quietly only wishing I could chime in. A few times I begged my mother to take me shopping there–instead of the JC Penny’s catalog (the HUSKY section at that.) She told me that those clothes weren’t made for my body type.
And she couldn’t have meant any harm–but not being able to wear similar clothes and shop at the same places as my classmates only made it harder for me in terms of self-acceptance. It was another trait that made me stand out amongst my predominately white peers.
