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Dear Diary: To the Guy Who Broke My Heart

I fell in love with you– accidentally.

We were friends at first– hanging out often.

Then one day I developed a ¬†crush…

I saw love in the way you talked. We cracked jokes together. There was no pressure to be anything. Quiet as kept, I wanted to be with you. When asked about “us”, we denied it like there was no tomorrow.

And let’s be honest…that was probably for the best. We met at an odd timing in our lives.

And yet, loving you was fun, unpredictable, and taught me just how strong I was. Although we had a terrible falling out, I still revisit key parts of our friendship/situationship.

I trusted you when I didn’t trust anyone else. I was vulnerable when I didn’t know I could be. I was lost in a dishonest love.

Us not being an official “us”, and you breaking my heart, showed me just how resilient I could be. There were many–MANY— sleepless nights where I wondered why things had to be the way they were.

To the guy who broke my heart, thank you. Although it’s taken me a while to get here… I thank you for being at the receiving end of your heartache which created a visceral pain.

You showed me that sparkly things eventually dull.

You showed me that if I choose to be passive and not go after what I want, someone else will claim it to be there’s.

You softened my heart.

You prepared me for a love that was solely for me.

A love I wouldn’t have to share.

 

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Human Nature: Simple Ways to be Love

It’s Friday, January 13, 2017.

The day of heightened superstitions.

Today, some may experience “bad luck” and place blame on it being “Friday the 13th”.

And, ironically enough, my family has communed due to an end-of-the-year death. On December 31st, my grandmother received a call from her hometown of Chicago saying that our uncle, father, cousin, will be laid to rest.

We brought in the new year somberly. Now we are here…

Today, after yesterday’s very, very long car ride from KC, I am in Chicago, freezing both my ankles off (in case you care to know) to be here with family.

And as deaths tend to bring people closer, I always notice the energy behind someone’s passing.

Yes– we cry and feel heartache–but we tend to remember the fondest moments with that particular loved one so that they never leave our spirit.

Which made me think of how to be a better person. I’ll admit, oftentimes I walk around with my earphones in, head down to my phone screen to minimize speaking to others. When I get the inkling to speak to someone, I worry they’ll grunt and that they’ll think I’m weird. Or worse– not reciprocate my greeting. As old folks say, “things ain’t how they used to be no’mo”. In the hustle of bustle of things, we are so self-centered in nature.

I am guilty.

I want to encourage everyone to be a light to someone today. Hold a door when you can. Look up and just smile at someone. Create human interaction. Us humans –the busy people we claim to be– overlook the simplest form of encouragement; presence. We are all we have ya’ll. The smallest gestures can make or break someone’s day.

As someone who is often lost inside of her own head with thoughts and must-do’s, I forget there are people around me at times. With smushed eyebrows, and squinted eyes I walk in passing, stressing myself out over life. But in moments like these, I can regroup. I can see the important things.

Today, will be bittersweet. Like tasting dark chocolate for the first time. Tart at first, but on the third or fourth bite it gets better.

I’m sure I’ll cry today. I’ll be a shoulder for crying as well. But I do know, I will get to hug my family. I’ll laugh at my cousin Tip’s jokes. I’ll pinch Noel’s cheeks. I’ll explain my vegan lifestyle for the umpteenth time.

I’ll be around love.

 

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Much needed cafe americano from @Starbucks