Tag Archives: #BlackLove

Dear Diary: To the Guy Who Broke My Heart

I fell in love with you– accidentally.

We were friends at first– hanging out often.

Then one day I developed a  crush…

I saw love in the way you talked. We cracked jokes together. There was no pressure to be anything. Quiet as kept, I wanted to be with you. When asked about “us”, we denied it like there was no tomorrow.

And let’s be honest…that was probably for the best. We met at an odd timing in our lives.

And yet, loving you was fun, unpredictable, and taught me just how strong I was. Although we had a terrible falling out, I still revisit key parts of our friendship/situationship.

I trusted you when I didn’t trust anyone else. I was vulnerable when I didn’t know I could be. I was lost in a dishonest love.

Us not being an official “us”, and you breaking my heart, showed me just how resilient I could be. There were many–MANY— sleepless nights where I wondered why things had to be the way they were.

To the guy who broke my heart, thank you. Although it’s taken me a while to get here… I thank you for being at the receiving end of your heartache which created a visceral pain.

You showed me that sparkly things eventually dull.

You showed me that if I choose to be passive and not go after what I want, someone else will claim it to be there’s.

You softened my heart.

You prepared me for a love that was solely for me.

A love I wouldn’t have to share.

 

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Finding Love in My 20’s

I love, love.

I always fantasized loving a man in the way that girls did on tv and in those videos. I would always listen to the sappy teenage love songs and imagine this incredible boyfriend. This boyfriend may, or may not, have been an idolized celebrity or two. I would literally daydream about what it would be like for me to–FINALLY– have someone by my side.

Someone to pick the crust out of my eye. Someone to text me “good morning beautiful” and it be the first thing I read in the morning. Someone to intentionally fall asleep on the phone  with because neither one of us wanted to get off. Someone whose plate I could finally eat french fries off of! Someone who didn’t make me nervous or self-conscious while being around him, as many other guys did.

And when I finally got it, I realized the obvious life lessons that coincide with loving someone; patience, empathy, and communication are key!!!!

Being in love is one of the best things that can happen to someone. There are so many teachable moments within the journey.

The two of us started out as friends. We actually had  kind of  an off-and-on communication stream. We originally met in dance class as teens. We never really spoke outside of a simple “hi” or head nod. What he doesn’t know is that a small part of me always inquired about him. I really wanted to know more about him as a person. And I admired his dancing!

After high school, I believe in 2012, we ran into one another on a few occasions and eventually exchanged numbers. At this time, I was in one of the most toxic mental and emotional states of my life. So naturally I friend-zoned him. I wasn’t interested in him outside of having a texting buddy or coffee date.

Until one night, admittedly after having a few drinks, I called him very angrily and mentally discombobulated, ranting to him on how he and other guys are only out to hurt women. Did he deserve this, hell no! But I was harboring the emotions of my aunt’s failing marriage, the left-over heartache from my own situationship, and even the abandonment of my father.

I was lying on the floor venting to him, asking him to be there. Maybe it was fate? All I know is he was there at one of the lowest points. We then begun hanging out, but I still vetted him. I wondered was this it? Had I finally found a safe place with someone. Just after my 23rd birthday we became “official”.

There it was, finally a connection with an individual. I found comfort, solace, energy, security in him. Even made it past that “one month” curse I had been festering with. One month then became two, then three and so on.

I remember going out-of-town for spring break. The entire time we fought. Literally we only smiled when we were eating (they have really good vegan food and food makes me happy) and the other times we were a mess. It got so bad that I thought of ending it, as did he. In hindsight, all of the arguing we did was ridiculous and unnecessary. And after speaking to friends I learned it’s common for that first out of town trip to be rocky.

I wasn’t looking for love, but I found it. It was hard in the beginning, really hard. I had to learn that I couldn’t change someone. As a control freak, and only child, this was hard for me. I had to learn that everyone is raised differently, they learn differently, and that they love differently.

I learned, too, to appreciate the unsaid. I learned that our love is weird, and young. As two opposites, we do the best we can to love each other. We balance one another out.

If you’re looking for love, my advice is to stop. When you put pressure on yourself to love and be loved by someone else you force yourself into things that are inorganic in nature. I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be. When loving yourself you’ll become well acquainted and know what feels right to you.

It takes confidence to love, wholeheartedly. And a prospective partner will recognize that.